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Therapy feels so unproductive. It's something I dread. I dread talking to doctors. Because I feel pitied. I feel like every time I say what's up it's seen as so sad and oh no and poor Miles. I miss tough love. I need it from doctors at least. I can't have them seem sad or gentle or pitying when I say sad stuff or I wont say it. My friends can be sad for me I'm okay with that I want that but not my therapist and my doctor. I need them to just listen. I don't wanna say it to someone who's gonna treat me like I'm fragile. I need them to take it strong.

I have a lot of trouble doing school work and I always have. I have never found any ways that actually help me get it done long term. None of my accommodations have ever helped with me just not getting stuff done. I forget to do it and when I remember I just don't want to so I don't. It doesn't help to have a body double because if someone isn't doing my work with me, like I'm doing it and they're with me helping me, I won't do it. But it's not fair to be constantly asking people I know to do my work with me and it's not possible because they aren't available enough and even if they were I wouldn't ask them because I don't want to do it.

It feels like so much more effort than it's worth just to get work done. I can't have someone helping me with every single thing so I don't know how to do it. If Pigeon or Lisa could just be there helping me through every assignment it would be fine but they can't. So I don't know what to do.

I haven't journaled in a while because I was feeling pretty good and also I got sick. I'm still sick but I was mostly feeling good because I was avoiding or ignoring the things that made me feel bad. Now it is harder to ignore those things so I feel bad again.

Today I got a lot of emails from teachers and my disability services provider about how I am not doing well in classes and asking if I'm doing okay. I am not doing okay I have not been going to my classes because I hate going and I don't like school. I can't say that to them though because that sounds dumb and when you say that people give advice that doesn't help at all so I don't know how to respond to the emails. I am not doing well at all.

I also forgot to call out of work sick a couple times because I am a bad employee. I think I should probably quit my job I might get fired soon because I've been out sick for a week and because I've forgotten to call in those times which is bad. These are things people get fired for so I expect I might be fired.

I'm really overwhelmed so I've been spacey and blurry a lot and missing a lot of the days. Time goes by really fast and I don't remember a lot of it and so nothing gets done either. I don't think I should have adult responsibilities I don't want to be an adult I don't think I can take care of myself and make decisions on my own. I can't do it I'm not even an adult I'm 17 and even though I'm turning 18 I don't feel like it I feel like a kid still.

I'm not in a bad mood but I'm not in a particularly good mood either so I'm having trouble with what to write about. I was in quite a good mood earlier but this new mood started recently so I don't remember what I was thinking or how I felt earlier so I can't write about it. Newton is teaching me how to make a Notion which I think will be useful but I want to continue journaling here so I won't be transferring my journal to Notion. Other things like to-do lists, reading lists, possibly budgets, and other stuff will be there.

I'm in a mood where I like to do pseudo-productive things like journaling and bullet journaling and working on my Notion. Studyblr/studytube type stuff. I'm not as verbal as I was earlier and speaking in full sentences takes effort, and getting complex thoughts into words takes even more. Feeling very much like a not fully developed robot, but not in a negative way. Just neutral. Like a robot with an AI that can simulate the feelings of emotions. I don't feel them between my ribs but I know them in my head. And that's enough for me.

I'm thinking about whether or not I'm gonna stay at UConn next semester and it's really hard. On one hand I hate doing classes and it's really hard and too much for me to think about and I really really really hate school and going to class. But on the other hand I like having the college experience and I like my roommates and friends I've made and I like living near Angie and college life. It sucks that I like every part of college except what I'm technically here for. I wish I could keep everything the same but not do the school part.

I'm having the feeling again where I wish I wasn't Autistic because I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could have a normal life and make friends normally and do college and handle socializing and go to parties and meet people and maybe kiss someone and have a boyfriend or something but I know that's just not gonna happen. Everyone thinks I can but I can't. Adults think so at least. Other kids see me as weird and they know I'm not normal which is not a bad thing I just wish I could be. I want to be able to do the college thing but I don't know how to do the things other kids know how to do. I'm not as much of an adult as them they're grown up in a way that I'm not. I feel like just a little kid even when people are around my age.

Today was a good day. I played games with Joye and cleaned with Joye and Adam and I hung out with Angie at moon club and we got food. I'm tired but today was good.

I am frustrated at how I don't remember my emotions from different days. Like I know I was angry yesterday because I wrote and and I remember saying it and feeling it but I don't remember the feeling or why. same with other days and emotions. It's really hard because it's hard to solve my problems and make myself feel better if I can't remember why I felt bad in the first place. When I feel good it's like I've only ever felt good and when I feel angry it's like I've only ever felt anger and when I'm sad it's like I've only ever been sad. I am looking forward to talking about this in therapy so I can get help with it because I feel like it's the main thing that's getting in the way of me getting better.

I'm in a mood today where I only feel angry and no other emotion. And if I'm not angry it's just nothing. I don't know why or how else to explain it but I don't like it it makes me feel bad. Not feel bad like guilty like it feels bad. I'm so angry a lot and I don't know what to do with that anger and I try not to take it out on other people but it's hard. I don't wanna be mad at my friends but I get really mad at them for stupid reasons like getting a fact wrong and telling people or talking over me on accident or other dumb things. I don't like feeling angry but also I think I prefer feeling angry over feeling sad. I just don't like hating my friends I don't want to be mad at them and I don't wanna hate them. I had another point I wanted to make but I don't remember it. I'm just very angry.

Sometimes I don't care. Not like in a depression way just like in a... I feel like I'm a bad person but I don't care/I'm fine with it. I don't know if I always feel like this because my emotional states don't communicate with each other well but right now I feel like it. Like I'm pretty sure I don't always feel like this because it probably wouldn't stand out to me so much right now if I did. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what but also I don't think I really care.

I do care about people. I want them to be okay. But also I don't? Like I just saw a message from Isaac and I thought oh I care about him I love him and want him to be okay. But also before this I'm like. I don't know it's hard to explain. I don't put in any effort I care about people I love but also when people annoy me I'm just annoyed by them and forget that I care about them. I also don't feel the need to apologize when I'm mean to someone if I said something that I meant. Even if it hurts their feelings that's just what I'm thinking so I'm not sorry about it.

Today felt like a weird day. It started pretty normal but when I got home I didn't do much and I napped for a long time and now I just feel weird. I hate this feeling because I can't place it I just feel off and wrong but I don't know why.

I didn't go to ASL club which makes me sad because I really wanted to but I just didn't. I woke up with enough time to go but I just didn't and when I looked at the time and saw it was 6:30 when the club starts I felt sad. It's not like I fought with myself to go either I just didn't go even though I really wanted to and I really like ASL club. It's much easier to do nothing instead of something.

But now I want to talk to my friends I always feel like it will make me feel better and usually it does but lately it hasn't. Lately I've been leaving voice chat feeling weird and sometimes worse and I don't know why. I feel like maybe I'm being mean to Pigeon because I think they don't like me as much anymore and I think it's maybe because I've been mean it's not on purpose but I know I'm mean on accident a lot especially when I don't feel good. But anyway lately on voice chat I've been feeling like Pigeon talks to me less and it's probably because of that I know I should say something but I don't want to because then it might make them feel bad if it wasn't on purpose and I made it all up and if I am right maybe they don't like me anymore and I'll feel bad. I'll just try to be less mean and try harder when I don't feel good to not be mean on accident. I need to ask someone how to do that because I just say what I'm thinking but I think mean things and I don't want to be a bad person but it's what I think so I am right now. I can probably talk to a therapist about that and they can help me be less a bad person.

Today I've been thinking a lot about relationships and dating. I'm not sure if and how I feel romantic attraction. I know I don't feel sexual attraction and I have little to no desire for sex and sometimes it's even repulsive to me but romance I'm not so sure. I don't usually think about it but sometimes I do have desire for closeness but my friends fill that desire just fine. But I do find myself finding people attractive and I don't know if that's romantic feelings.

I find the idea of dating sort of scary because I've never really done it before other than once but I don't really count it because I just thought of her as a friend and I didn't know the difference between friendship and romance and I'm not attracted to women anyway. And I still don't think I know the difference between friendship and romance. I don't know how you can date someone you don't know really well already because you're getting in a relationship with someone you don't know who they are much and you don't know how you really get along. I think if I were to date someone we would have to be friends first because how else would I know we're compatible and I don't like strangers or people I don't know well that much.

Also since I'm in college this is the time where people are supposed to explore that kind of stuff so maybe I'll learn what I like. I've never kissed someone or anything so I don't even know if I like that. I'll talk to my roommates maybe I'll go to parties or something even though that doesn't sound like something I'd like. I don't think I'll push myself to do anything I don't want to do but I don't know what I like and don't like yet and college is supposed to be when you learn that I think. Whatever I end up figuring out I think I'll be fine with I just want to know.

I went home this weekend Friday night through Saturday and it was pretty good. I'm back at my dorm right now. I spent time with my mom and I really like to spend time with her and I got to see the dog and my guinea pig who I miss so much and he's gonna be here with me soon as my emotional support animal.

I saw my older brother and talked to him a bit. I also saw my younger brother but we didn't say a word to each other and barely looked at each other. We've never had a good relationship and I feel like me and my brothers never really had the sibling bond that a lot of siblings seem to have. Me and Nick have gotten into fights and pretty much never gotten along since we were old enough to really feel angry for good reason. And even before that we fought a lot. Me and Gavin only fairly recently started getting along so it feels less like brothers and more like acquaintances or something. We're really distant even though we like each other. I feel like I don't really know either of them.

My dad wasn't there, which I was relieved about. He's on a hiking trip. I'm glad because I've been acknowledging a lot of the abusive stuff he's done and realizing it was abusive and not okay and I don't know how it would be if I had to see him and be around him. I sort of convinced myself it was fine because he's "better now" but I don't even know if that's true because I'm just not around him as much, and even if it is I was using it as a reason not to process any of what he did to me. I'm angry at him again but I think I'm justified. It's just hard having these 2 very different versions of him in my head. I think I created the "good version" to pretend he is because it's so difficult to interact with him while he pretends nothing is wrong, I feel like I must be imagining everything and that maybe nothing is wrong.

I'm really only close with my mom, and we're really really close. I love her so much and she loves me. We spend as much time together as possible and we used to watch TV together every night which I miss. I miss being able to come into her room to hang out and I miss her coming into my room to hang out. I still see her often because she works on campus but it's only once or twice a week and it's not the same. She helps me so much and it's hard to feel normal without her.

First post first post

I have a big problem with anxiety about my writing and perfectionism so I will try not to worry about that with this blog and just write. No proofreading no "perfect" writing this isn't school I will just write.

I think a part of my problem with writing is that I feel like I have to be so clear with my writing so that no one will misunderstand me because I'm so afraid of being misunderstood. But that stops me from writing anything because I can never reach that level of clarity because I'm just not that good at articulating my thoughts. I do not think in words so I have to translate my thoughts into words to write them.

I recently was reflecting on some things that happened as a kid and part of my abuse was that after he did something abusive he would ask me to tell him what happened and if anything I said was incorrect or even just slightly wrong he would tell me I was wrong and use it to discredit me entirely. So now I am afraid to write down my thoughts and experiences in case I get anything wrong. I hope that this blog will help me get over that fear.

I think that's all I'll write today. I hope to keep this updated daily and just talk about whatever is on my mind, whether that's what my day was like or something I'm thinking about. I also will not stop myself from jumping from topic to topic and rambling because this is my blog for my thoughts and it doesn't have to be professional or competant it just has to be authentic.