Family Connections
Oct. 16th, 2021 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intercostalspaceI went home this weekend Friday night through Saturday and it was pretty good. I'm back at my dorm right now. I spent time with my mom and I really like to spend time with her and I got to see the dog and my guinea pig who I miss so much and he's gonna be here with me soon as my emotional support animal.
I saw my older brother and talked to him a bit. I also saw my younger brother but we didn't say a word to each other and barely looked at each other. We've never had a good relationship and I feel like me and my brothers never really had the sibling bond that a lot of siblings seem to have. Me and Nick have gotten into fights and pretty much never gotten along since we were old enough to really feel angry for good reason. And even before that we fought a lot. Me and Gavin only fairly recently started getting along so it feels less like brothers and more like acquaintances or something. We're really distant even though we like each other. I feel like I don't really know either of them.
My dad wasn't there, which I was relieved about. He's on a hiking trip. I'm glad because I've been acknowledging a lot of the abusive stuff he's done and realizing it was abusive and not okay and I don't know how it would be if I had to see him and be around him. I sort of convinced myself it was fine because he's "better now" but I don't even know if that's true because I'm just not around him as much, and even if it is I was using it as a reason not to process any of what he did to me. I'm angry at him again but I think I'm justified. It's just hard having these 2 very different versions of him in my head. I think I created the "good version" to pretend he is because it's so difficult to interact with him while he pretends nothing is wrong, I feel like I must be imagining everything and that maybe nothing is wrong.
I'm really only close with my mom, and we're really really close. I love her so much and she loves me. We spend as much time together as possible and we used to watch TV together every night which I miss. I miss being able to come into her room to hang out and I miss her coming into my room to hang out. I still see her often because she works on campus but it's only once or twice a week and it's not the same. She helps me so much and it's hard to feel normal without her.
I saw my older brother and talked to him a bit. I also saw my younger brother but we didn't say a word to each other and barely looked at each other. We've never had a good relationship and I feel like me and my brothers never really had the sibling bond that a lot of siblings seem to have. Me and Nick have gotten into fights and pretty much never gotten along since we were old enough to really feel angry for good reason. And even before that we fought a lot. Me and Gavin only fairly recently started getting along so it feels less like brothers and more like acquaintances or something. We're really distant even though we like each other. I feel like I don't really know either of them.
My dad wasn't there, which I was relieved about. He's on a hiking trip. I'm glad because I've been acknowledging a lot of the abusive stuff he's done and realizing it was abusive and not okay and I don't know how it would be if I had to see him and be around him. I sort of convinced myself it was fine because he's "better now" but I don't even know if that's true because I'm just not around him as much, and even if it is I was using it as a reason not to process any of what he did to me. I'm angry at him again but I think I'm justified. It's just hard having these 2 very different versions of him in my head. I think I created the "good version" to pretend he is because it's so difficult to interact with him while he pretends nothing is wrong, I feel like I must be imagining everything and that maybe nothing is wrong.
I'm really only close with my mom, and we're really really close. I love her so much and she loves me. We spend as much time together as possible and we used to watch TV together every night which I miss. I miss being able to come into her room to hang out and I miss her coming into my room to hang out. I still see her often because she works on campus but it's only once or twice a week and it's not the same. She helps me so much and it's hard to feel normal without her.
