Unidentifiable Bad Feelings

Today felt like a weird day. It started pretty normal but when I got home I didn't do much and I napped for a long time and now I just feel weird. I hate this feeling because I can't place it I just feel off and wrong but I don't know why.

I didn't go to ASL club which makes me sad because I really wanted to but I just didn't. I woke up with enough time to go but I just didn't and when I looked at the time and saw it was 6:30 when the club starts I felt sad. It's not like I fought with myself to go either I just didn't go even though I really wanted to and I really like ASL club. It's much easier to do nothing instead of something.

But now I want to talk to my friends I always feel like it will make me feel better and usually it does but lately it hasn't. Lately I've been leaving voice chat feeling weird and sometimes worse and I don't know why. I feel like maybe I'm being mean to Pigeon because I think they don't like me as much anymore and I think it's maybe because I've been mean it's not on purpose but I know I'm mean on accident a lot especially when I don't feel good. But anyway lately on voice chat I've been feeling like Pigeon talks to me less and it's probably because of that I know I should say something but I don't want to because then it might make them feel bad if it wasn't on purpose and I made it all up and if I am right maybe they don't like me anymore and I'll feel bad. I'll just try to be less mean and try harder when I don't feel good to not be mean on accident. I need to ask someone how to do that because I just say what I'm thinking but I think mean things and I don't want to be a bad person but it's what I think so I am right now. I can probably talk to a therapist about that and they can help me be less a bad person.

Being a "Bad Person"

Sometimes I don't care. Not like in a depression way just like in a... I feel like I'm a bad person but I don't care/I'm fine with it. I don't know if I always feel like this because my emotional states don't communicate with each other well but right now I feel like it. Like I'm pretty sure I don't always feel like this because it probably wouldn't stand out to me so much right now if I did. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what but also I don't think I really care.

I do care about people. I want them to be okay. But also I don't? Like I just saw a message from Isaac and I thought oh I care about him I love him and want him to be okay. But also before this I'm like. I don't know it's hard to explain. I don't put in any effort I care about people I love but also when people annoy me I'm just annoyed by them and forget that I care about them. I also don't feel the need to apologize when I'm mean to someone if I said something that I meant. Even if it hurts their feelings that's just what I'm thinking so I'm not sorry about it.